One of the words adults used most to describe me as a little girl was giudiziosa–judicious. In other words, I’ve been think through every decision as long as I remember.

At 4, this meant I was protecting everyone I perceived as excluded.

At 10, this meant measuring myself continuously in a new context.

At 15, this meant being the most cautious of teenagers–one who never colored outside the lines.

At 20, it meant I chose and intellectual passion and stuck with it.

At 40-something, it means simply: F&*@K that!

I don’t regret thinking things through. It’s reaped me many professional rewards. I’m just yearning for something different now: feeling things through.

I want to experience the juiciest life–more everyday. I want to feel my way through that juicy–one pleasurable, delicious, moment at a time. I want to experience more joy than I ever thought possible, more pleasure than I ever thought life could bring me–all at once. And when I touch the sky from such gorgeous intensity, I want to touch the ceiling and raise it again.

I don’t know what life will be life on the other side. I do know one thing though. Bliss cannot be contained by my mind. So I can’t think my way to a blissful life.