Every single step in the book process has had a delay. Despite how much I talk about surrender, I’ve been frustrated with every delay.
In the past week, I’ve been in deep reflection about my relationship with time. So I’ve been curious about discovering what all these delays have been about and how I’ve missed the flow. Since I’m training to become a systemic constellator, I started by creating a systemic constellation: I imagined myself face-to-face with time–impersonated as a human being. I paused, as is part of the practice, to see what would come up. Suddenly, I saw time attacking me, ready to hit my face and strangle me.
That made quite an impression. It’s safe to say, I have a perception of time as hostile. And time is part of so much more: how I deal with the unpredictable twists and turns in life. The things I can’t control. In the past few years, I’ve been in a deep dive shifting of my thinking around the unpredictable in my life from making myself wrong about things not going “right” to surrendering to something greater than myself. As a white person, what was instilled in me is that I should be in control, and when I’m not, it is my fault. ThaT there is something lacking in me when I or my life are “out of control.” Of course in the delusion of whiteness there is no alternative to being “in control” or “out of control,” because the white delusion, doesn’t factor in the divine. This delusion is harmful. So I’ve been shifting this mindset to something very, very different: I’ve never been in control, Spirit is. Spirit remembers what I contracted to accomplish in this life and leads me in that direction. My mind tries to think its way through life because it has forgotten what I came here to do–by the nature of life. The purpose of life is for me to re-experience myself as divine love, by rediscovering what I came here for, step-by-step, moment-by-moment. So as my approach to life and the divine have changed, so have the questions I ask myself about the experiences in life that cause delays. Here is the progression of questions I’ve asked myself over time, as my ability to give up the victim story and embrace surrender increase.
- Why me? (Victim)
- What’s wrong with me that has this happen to me? (Shame)
- What did I do wrong? (Blame)
- What am I learning right now? (Fixing)
- What in my life needs to change given what I’m learning? (Realigning)
- What is the divine trying to tell me now? (Listening)
- What does this say about where is the flow that I can tap into? (Realignment)
- How is what is happening a gift and an opportunity for joy? (Stepping into surrender)
- I trust that all is unfolding in perfect, divine timing–no matter what happens and when. (Surrender)