Yesterday I finished writing Not a Wallflower: Honoring Practice in Racial Healing Work. The article is in response to the usual claim that whites have to “step back to make place for people of color.” Writing the article had me focus a lot on honoring self and honoring relationships.
At each stage of growth, I lost some relationships. There’s always grief with that, as I care deeply for the people I love and relationships are extremely important to me. And I evolve very quickly. While the people I love see me as very “busy,” I do best to make space for the people I love and when you’re in my heart, you’re there forever. Today, as I practice my now Sunday routine of preparing for a mountain hike, I’m reflecting on how focusing on my joy in the past few months had had a friendship I thought was a staple in my life, fall away. A friend I used to spend lots of time with doesn’t enjoy climbing mountains as I do. So, today as I set forth, my friend won’t be there with me. New friends have come along the way, who enjoy nature and long walks as much as I do. And on our walks, I’m discovering other ways we are in sync, too.
Of course, the falling away of the friendship is about more than a lack of shared passion for hiking. I can feel that that friendship no longer brings me joy. To honoring myself, I must honor this truth, as it is right now. That may change; being detached allows me and the relationship to evolve. While now there’s an energy of ending between us, this may be a sacred pause. Relationships often follow repetitive patterns, I’ve seen over and over how sacred pauses can help the dynamics shift, reset, renew.
The old me used to hang on to people as long as I possibly could. I thought it was because I loved them. I did, but my desperation was more about me not loving me and being scared of sitting in my own pain. As I confront all my demons in the mirror, I feel more free to be alone, or together, as my heart desires, moment by moment. I am able to acknowledge and support the freedom of others in my relationships. We are all free to come and free to go, may we flow towards, love, freedom, and joy.
I have to run now! I have mountain to climb!