In the last blog, I listed a self-care tip for having inclusive conversations: choosing when and where to invest your energy. Inclusive conversations are conversations where differences are seen as a resource instead of a threat. These conversations can be tricky because differences can bring up fear, hurt, or anger.
Today’s tip is also about self-care. If you’re not taking care of yourself in a conversation, or hosting yourself, and being present, as the Art of hosting’s four-fold practice would put it, then it’s unlikely that the conversation will be productive. Inclusive conversations are often hard and courageous conversations. So today’s tip: Look for allies and build support before you jump in.
I used to think I had to always speak out against any injustice, prejudice, and imperfection to be a worthy activist. Once, I was a member of a mixed activist group. The leadership was all white while most of the activists were African American. I demanded the leadership confront its own privilege and stop gatekeeping opportunities for a more diverse leadership. In a public meeting, designed just for this purpose, the leadership attacked me and attempted to taint my character. No one stood up for me. When I looked around the room, I was alone. I had no allies.
Two painful months later, one of the activists contacted me. “At the time,” she said, “I didn’t know what you meant by “gatekeeping,” but now I understand. Sorry I wasn’t ready to support you and stand up to the leadership.” See, she didn’t know because I had not built my support network. I learned from the experience that slamming my head against the wall of authority and power is not activism, it’s masochism. One is more likely to burn-out this way. It took me years to recover from the experience. I was scapegoated other times in a variety of groups, until I understood how scapegoating works and what I was doing to help it.
Scapegoating is a common group dynamic. When uncomfortable feelings arise in a group, there is a tendency to project those feelings against the person who inspired them. Truth-tellers are easy scapegoats because they say things that others try to hide. People who are very empathic are most susceptible to being scapegoated, because they can unintentionally take on the emotions of the group. By blaming the scapegoat, the group can avoid facing its own feelings of fear, discomfort, and hurt. Those feelings are projected to the scapegoat.
Scapegoating is not a right-wing thing, though we are hearing a lot of it in this presidential race. I’ve been scapegoated among conservative circles, liberal artists, radical hipster anti-racism activists, and preppy extra-educated psychologists. Scapegoating is everywhere. Just start noticing in any community how the gossip is concentrated against 1-2 people. Ladies and gentlemen, those are the scapegoats.
If you’re interested in knowing more about scapegoating and group dynamics, let me know and I’ll be happy to write more. Those of us who become scapegoats, experienced it first in our own families. A group relations conference helped me see this and set this painful experience to rest once and for all. But that’s a much longer story. For now, I just want to mention one easy tip.
Since I now know my tendency to be scapegoated, as soon as I enter a new group, I take some time to build relationships and get to know the people around me. I’m intentionally looking for allies. I’m intentionally building a support system for myself and others. I’m also learning what is perceived as “normal” in this group. I try to not step into conversations about power and privilege before I have a clear understanding of who this group is, how many people share my views, and who speaks truth to power and can offer me support.
Not pushing the envelope too soon has another effect, it helps me host the group, the fourth step in the four-fold practice, in Art of hosting terms. In other words, it helps me learn the group culture, see where the group is, get a sense of where it is going, and choose the most strategic time to make a controversial comment.
You think this is an easy cop-out? Think twice. Allies and timing are strategic. If a group is ready to be challenged and go deeper, it will be less willing to scapegoat you and your contribution can be more transformative. If you choose to oppose the larger group, doing it with allies by your side can be more effective because a group of people acting in unity are harder to scapegoat.
The newly arrived, isolated person who is quick to question what is normal for the group is the easiest scapegoat ever. These days, before I choose to do this, it better be worth it.
Thank you for writing this blog. There are a lot of articles about scapegoating but not a lot that take it a step further and give suggestions and support as you do.
I was born into a family where there is a history of PTSD and CPTSD. Trouble my parents called me when they weren’t at each other’s throats. Getting into trouble in their day meant becoming pregnant before marriage, having to get married. I was scapegoated by both parents who were narcissistic. My maternal grandmother taught me how to look after them before I learnt how to look after myself. As a consequence I have gone through life being vulnerable to other people’s projections….rephrase….making myself vulnerable to other people’s projections.
I am retired now. I did temporary work for a long time. I started noticing a pattern of behaviour in each office I worked in that I want to share with you.
I used to be employed as a secretary usually in a senior position for a powerful man. I have qualities for example i am fairly attractive, quietly spoken, kind, have empathy emotional intelligent and intellectual intelligence etc. What I noticed was that the other secretaries used to introduce themselves to me often one by one and every time I thought their introduction and advancement was an opportunity for a collegial friendship. What they were doing had more to do with them than with me. They were checking me out and at the same time checking out where they stood in the pecking order since my arrival. I used to think of myself as a painting inserted onto a wall where all of the other paintings had to be moved to allow me to fit in. The paintings like the secretaries were checking me out before settling into their new position on the wall., reasserting their own intellectual and emotional position.
They used my vulnerabilities which I told them about or perhaps projected to talk about me and reinstate their position in the company. I could see that our bosses were playing favourites and using the women to ingratiate themselves and the women fell for it and fought amongst themselves. Not being so friendly also got me into trouble with them as well as did trying too hard to focus on the job. Understanding a pattern of behaviour was helpful but at the time I didn’t have allies. What I needed was a support group outside the company or a psychologist which I didn’t have.
I returned to one of the offices with a survey and an honours research project which I entitled promoting woman. I used qualitive research methods and wrote a thesis about the collective strengths of the women which I hoped informed them how they were paid as secretaries but doing a lot of their bosses work.
I got a first class honours degree and a PhD scholarship and stipend but when my supervisor died I was like a lamb to be slaughtered because the same dysfunctional dynamic operates at university. I never got a PhD because to get this I would have had to join the collective and be as insecure as everyone else. So here I am retired, touring the world in style with a fabulous man but lonely and no purpose. I’m wondering if I should write my memoir because I have an interesting trajectory or perhaps join a group. The sad thing is that I see my granddaughter talking my place as the scapegoat and I’m helpless to do anything about it…..or am I??
Pauline! It may seem somewhat absurd that I only see your message now…seven years later. Wow! It gives me goosebumps. I understand your pain as someone scapegoated in my own family, too. Yet is can be transformed adn you point out, when you transform it, it transforms for your lineage as well. I wonder if you’d be open to family constellations as a powerful way of healing intergenerational patterns. Then you can consciously heal it for your granddaughter, too. It will also likely soothe your heart from the loneliness you feel. I’m in training to facilitate family constellations, but have not completed it yet. If you email me I can offer some referrals. Thank you for reading! DrRita@RitaFierro.com
Thank you Brianna, I find this blog really Helpful to start trying to not make myself the scapegoat in groups
HI Rebecca, Just seeing your reply now. Hoping you’re finding some healing and relief. Being scapegoated is a tough wound…